Oh Father

So last night I got to thinking & you know when I think my mind starts to hurt lol. I was thinking about my childhood, then I started thinking about my father. I have a real resentment towards him. Yes he is here now, but I think the damage might be done. I am proud of him because he has finally matured & is really stepping up to the plate with his girlfriends kids, but i also hate it. Why do they get to have my father? I didnt get to have him pick me up and take me places, go to him when I needed advice. He pays their rent, take them to school, buy them food. My mom use to have to beg him to pick me up & most of the time he forgot. I think this is why I like to get him to buy me stuff now, so I can feel like I am number one in his life. Well I know I am number one in his life, but sometimes I just feel like I was jipped. Me and him didn't really start talking alot til my senior year of HS, then I went away for college, so I barely saw him. I had lot's of phone conversations with him and but thiers only so much a ohone can do. He wasnt their for me when I was growing up, sure he talked to me everytime I (keyword I ) called but then their were times when I didn't hear from him in months & usually those times I spent worrying about him. I never really had someone to show me how to be a man. Everytime I got to know the boy's in my neighborhood I would move far away from them, then I could say well what about my childhood friends in Inglewood but I only saw them two weekends a month if that. I could say my grandfather, but I spent way more time with my grandmother & most of the time when I was with my grandfather he watched sports (which I never was really introduced to) or we were with the whole family. The others older guys who were in my life (mostly my mom boyfriends) they only stayed in my life for like a yr or two and she stop dating men when I was 7. So yea I do have resentment when I hear my dad taking his gf's sons to work or working out with them. I didn't get it and know it's to late. I don't care about none of the stuff so I don't do it. I'm so self conscious, so I don't like to work out in front of people I know or talk to. Also I am lazy so I do it for awhile, but then I stop. But yea this is something I've always wanted to say. My mom did her best, but even she has things I resent, mostly money, her bad ways with it, & how it's been pass down to me. But that's another blog, plus she tries her best to provide for me.

I love my dad don't get me wrong, but like some once told me their is a difference between a Dad and a Father:
Webster defition -
Dad _ A Male parent, male from biological conception.
Father _ A Man who begets, nurtures or raises a child.
Any male can be a dad, but only a Man can be a Father.

& it's sad to say mine was a dad to me, but a Father to others. He was a good dad, but he wasn't always their.